I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
