i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
