Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
