if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She even gives head with a lisp.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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