Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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