I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
