Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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