Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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