I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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