Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
