i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
