he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The adults are the big ones right?
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