I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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