Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
