Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
