there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
