tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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