What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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