One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
