I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You are a genius and a whore.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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