Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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