That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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