You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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