I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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