If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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