did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
