You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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