I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
this is an emotional support booty call
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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