A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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