I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
ugly people sure do ruin things
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?