Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.