Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
