I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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