I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
