K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
