I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
