Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
