is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
