did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
