Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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