The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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