people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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