6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.