So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.