I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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