My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
