After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
