if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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