Can i not drive my cunt home
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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