Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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