My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
