Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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