hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
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And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
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What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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