Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
