Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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