i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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