Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
