I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
