i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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