New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
